So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
