u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize