Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
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