We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
