wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
