I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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