best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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