Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
