he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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