She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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