So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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