I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
