i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
