last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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