you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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