Ambien. No doubt about it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
