The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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