if i can run in heels then i can drive
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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