Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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