my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
