my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize