youre lurking in front of me
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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