Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
