I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
