Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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