I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize