Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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