im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
