between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
