Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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