Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
