if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
