woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
