so let's talk penis.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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