I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
