life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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