i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
