Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
