please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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