I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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