Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
