dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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