There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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