I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
