all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need to align my fucking chakras
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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