i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
