Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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