Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
