my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
