yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
