Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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