did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
