Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize