can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
