I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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