I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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