dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Damn victory sex feels great
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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