How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
