I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
