Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
